sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I need mimosas to revive my soul
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
