I should be sponsored by Trojan
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
