where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
