I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
