Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
