if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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