Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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