when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
