i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
