He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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