There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
