When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
