pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
