While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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