New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Vodka?
Forever.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All the doctor said was why
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
