her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
