You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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