my vag is so smooth its legendary
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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