Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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