There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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