I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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