It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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