I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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