suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
