Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
