Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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