She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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