If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
