then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
