mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
