when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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