Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
