evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
