You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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