I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
