Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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