im drinking this country out of the recession.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
