I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
