Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I think my nap took me to another dimension
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Randomize
