and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
