Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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