my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
they need to just BURY HIM!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
