Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
