no, he came in my armpit
I think I won the penis lottery.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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