We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
