if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
