a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
