my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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