i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
