I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
